It is only when I am sitting alone at my desk that I realize that most of my days are just a blur of working, eating, sleeping and repeating. There is no denying that I am getting older and the fact that I will be turning 29 next month seems to be weighing heavily on my mind today. The problem with slowing down and taking the time to think is that the reality of life as you know it may in fact be disappointing in ways that you take for granted when you are constantly moving. It is easier to keep moving than to think, much simpler to distract than to focus.
Yet here I am perfectly still, free of diversions and I can barely remember the person that I am anymore without the usual things that surround me. After all, there is always something to fret about whether it be money, relationships, work or just the quest to figure out what one wants in his or her lifetime. Sometimes the path seems so perfectly clear and other times it is like a tornado has distorted the road within my mind and I can't help but feel over-whelmed as I stumble over fallen power-lines and trees, trying to not get shocked or worse, fall and pierce any major organs, like my...heart.
The problem with free time spent alone is that I am given the chance to go roaming in my own head and while I love being alone, I also find myself questioning just about anything and everything. Going about life in a numbed down state of reality is actually easier than thinking about what the world is really like. Today I am not free of the pain, helpless to actually do anything, afraid to try.
Perhaps, I will just sit in the this chair forever, until the faint voice in my head is loud once again, telling me what to do and where to go next.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
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